__ Monday, December 05, 2005 ;
My blog seems to be such a sad place. All entries are sad/unhappy. Ha...
Cant help it. Its always when i'm sad that i want to write. Seems like there's no one to share the sadness with me. :(
He's coming back tonight. Reaching Singapore at 9.40pm. I should be very happy. I've waited for so long, finally he's coming back. Everything seems to be so right during this trip. I thought our relationship is strong enough. Things are right, he's so nice and i feel so secured, so loved. Its only until the last 2 days. I dont know whats wrong, calls start to get lesser on sat and totally none on sunday. I tried to call him on sunday, but he always didnt ans. Except once. In my heart i already knew something is wrong. I just dont know what. I tried to sleep, but i cant.
Seriously, have you tried before, waiting beside ur phone, for that someone to call?
I know its stupid. But thats what i've been doing the whole of yesterday. Willing my phone to ring and hoping its him.....
I called him again this morning when i've reached office. Finally he ans the call. He keep saying nothing is wrong. But i know or knew it.... his attitude is bad. He wont be like this unless he's pissed off with something. Mins later, he msg me... telling me not to come fetch him tonight. He's skeptical over things. He needs to think. I called him again. This time round, he told me, he's angry with me. Very pissed off. Angry over something i did 8 months ago and angry over my attitude with him on saturday night. I couldnt get round to him. No matter how i tried to explain things to him or how i persuade him to let me come see him tonight, he refused.
Him: Dont come tonight. I dont want to see you. I will see you tmr.
Me: why? Finally i've waited till this day.
Him: you know how stubborn i am. if u come, thats it man. give me time to think. or if u want to come, hide in one corner. dont let me see u....
I really feel very hurt. Sometimes i really wonder, is it retribution?
I really couldnt love the one that i want to love. He's forcing me to leave.
I can remember all his sweetness, but yet i can remember his harsh words.
Yes, its my fault for doing that. But it was really so long ago. And u seriously dont know wat i'm thinking at that point in time. On your part, i know its scary that i'll take revenge. But you?? will you stop doing things to hurt me? If u seeing that makes u so angry/ hurt, how abt me?? when i see things u do.. i'm not trying to push faults here.. Just trying to make u see things.... and i really admit its my fault. but i really cant turn back time anymore.
Finally i have realised this.. things once done cant be undone. I have to accept the fact that i caused all these myself. Never have i realise that the last time i got to hold his hands and see him was when i was sending him to the airport on 18 nov. And the last call that we were talking happily was on 1st dec, when he told me he bought 2 tops for me. I took it for granted that we had lots of time.......
We cant be like last time anymore. U're skeptical and i'm too afraid to commit. Looks like its really not meant to be. I dont know if u will read my blog anymore, but if one day u happen to browse through this entry, remember.... always remember i will never stop caring for you.
If one day you ever need me, dont hestitate to call me..
If one day you see me with someone else, its not because i have forgotten you..
Its because i know i cant bring happiness to you, thats why i choose not to stay.
I do hope one day if you ever see me again, give me that little aknowledgement.
After all, we have been part of each other's life once.... thanks for all those memories. I will keep them with me.
Good bye baby....
Snow *
Has Stopped1:08 AM ;
